You have searched me and known me!

The syntax of my life had come into deep questioning these past two months of living in Fresno. I spent many nights staring up at the ceiling, wondering if splashing myself with icy water would startle me out of this surreal dream.

Every day had me in heaps, it seemed. I would write out a list of errands and things to get done for the day, and then plug in certain locations into my GPS so I could find my way around. It would then proceed to lead me on a wild goose chase through every nook and crevice of the Central Valley. Multiple times did I find myself bloodying my hands on the dashboard, upon the realization that I had been driving in circles.

(disclaimer: there was actually no blood involved.)

The point I'm trying to make is that even the simplest things in life left me in confusion.

I mentioned in a previous blog that I had been discouraged since coming here. For about a year the Lord has taken me through a series of odd, painful, sometimes heartbreaking, trials. I say trials, not tests, because I'm pretty sure given the opportunity I wouldn't have been able to pass any "test" - God had to pry certain things out of my hands. And it hurt.

Coming here seemed like it would be some sort of salve - a place to run off to so I could lick my wounds and start over. It turned out to be the exact opposite - God took me by the shoulders and turned me around to face deep, deep hurt. Things I thought I could escape by coming here. He reached down and started replacing lightbulbs in my spirit - ones I had let burn out so that parts of me could remain dim and untouched. I thought I could forget - but what I didn't consider is that God wouldn't forget. Even when I was least expecting it it was at the forefront of His mind. It was time for Him to deal with me.

After experiencing God's wrath in my life (wrath being defined as living without Him and His guidance), I have come to know and deeply revel in the weight of grace He has placed on my mantle. It brings tears to my eyes to think about it. Being able to see firsthand His marvelous work in your life through His divine intervention makes me feel ultimately privileged.

Two days ago I felt God bring me to the other side. He helped me finally close the door on one season of my life. For the first time I had no questions. I had no excuses or reasons why. It was just surrender. Complete surrender. That same day I received a call from Golden1 Credit Union, offering me a job starting on Monday. This interview process was one I had completely given up on (it started on June 11 - the last day of my job in Olympia), but now I see His timing. Wow....wow. I remember such laughter bubbling up from my insides. I cannot explain to you how grateful I am to Him. Grateful that He would choose to show His mercy on me. What have I done?

I hope when you read this you will rejoice with me, because we serve a good God. He is sovereign. His ways are not my ways! His thoughts are not my thoughts! Thank you Jesus :)

"O LORD, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them."

Psalm 139:1-16