I Want Everyone to Know

This is an excerpt from the very first entry of my very first journal, dated Thursday, October 16th, 2003:

"I chose this journal because it has the Eiffel Tower on it, which is in Paris, which is where I'm going to go on my honeymoon. So whenever I look at the cover it will be a reminder of marriage. I've been thinking about it, and I realized how terrible it would be to not be married. Other than having no one to love, and have an intimate relationship with, you would be alone. I HATE being lonely! But then again, who doesn't? Some people like being alone, but that's not being lonely. Those people like their own company. I like my own company too, but most of the time it's not enough."


When I read this for the first time in almost seven years, I started to laugh. The following entries were equally ridiculous and little girl-ish. Boys, problems with friends, and loneliness were common themes throughout. But it was also sobering to take a good look at the mindset in those words. Unfortunately, that belief system stuck with me through the years. At no point did it occur to me that I would NEVER be alone - in fact, even if I never got married, I would still have an always-loving, everlasting companion!

For so long that wasn't enough for me. I needed friends, I needed money to buy things, I needed affirmation from outside sources (i.e. boys).

I've been studying 1 Samuel for the past month, and Saul is a poignant reminder of the tendencies of my own heart. He feared the people above God, he sought to please the elders in offering a sacrifice instead of waiting on the Lord. He was so concerned about the people. He was so concerned about how he looked - so much so that he repeatedly disobeyed the Lord, until he was rejected as king and the Spirit of God left him.

Through this the Holy Spirit challenged me: where is your worth found, Lauren? Whose words do you weigh in the heaviest?

I started to jot down in my journal thoughts on this. I wrote in big letters "worth must ONLY come from Jesus!"

Therefore, Lauren, your worth does not lie in the words of others. It does not lie in the eyes or words of a man. It does not lie in marriage, or children. If my worth is found in Jesus, then I will always be content in Him! It does not matter if I am alone - because my all rests in the hands of Jesus.

Here is a song that currently resonates with the season I am currently in - secretly I wish that I had written it :)