I Want Everyone to Know

This is an excerpt from the very first entry of my very first journal, dated Thursday, October 16th, 2003:

"I chose this journal because it has the Eiffel Tower on it, which is in Paris, which is where I'm going to go on my honeymoon. So whenever I look at the cover it will be a reminder of marriage. I've been thinking about it, and I realized how terrible it would be to not be married. Other than having no one to love, and have an intimate relationship with, you would be alone. I HATE being lonely! But then again, who doesn't? Some people like being alone, but that's not being lonely. Those people like their own company. I like my own company too, but most of the time it's not enough."


When I read this for the first time in almost seven years, I started to laugh. The following entries were equally ridiculous and little girl-ish. Boys, problems with friends, and loneliness were common themes throughout. But it was also sobering to take a good look at the mindset in those words. Unfortunately, that belief system stuck with me through the years. At no point did it occur to me that I would NEVER be alone - in fact, even if I never got married, I would still have an always-loving, everlasting companion!

For so long that wasn't enough for me. I needed friends, I needed money to buy things, I needed affirmation from outside sources (i.e. boys).

I've been studying 1 Samuel for the past month, and Saul is a poignant reminder of the tendencies of my own heart. He feared the people above God, he sought to please the elders in offering a sacrifice instead of waiting on the Lord. He was so concerned about the people. He was so concerned about how he looked - so much so that he repeatedly disobeyed the Lord, until he was rejected as king and the Spirit of God left him.

Through this the Holy Spirit challenged me: where is your worth found, Lauren? Whose words do you weigh in the heaviest?

I started to jot down in my journal thoughts on this. I wrote in big letters "worth must ONLY come from Jesus!"

Therefore, Lauren, your worth does not lie in the words of others. It does not lie in the eyes or words of a man. It does not lie in marriage, or children. If my worth is found in Jesus, then I will always be content in Him! It does not matter if I am alone - because my all rests in the hands of Jesus.

Here is a song that currently resonates with the season I am currently in - secretly I wish that I had written it :)

Moses

ah and if it were meaningless

and if i had wiled away

only to know you

only to watch the back of you pass

then this desert is my salvation

tears come as i am unveiled

after all i still echo the glory

though it is distant in the retrospect

one thing remains

and that is my heart now hears

Hiding in the Baggage

There were so many people. As I counted - one, two, three, four, five....I realized that all twelve had come at Samuel's command. Well God's command, I should say. He was the reason why I was in this mess, after all. What made it worse was that the more people that were there the more I stood out. I looked over the crowd and not one man's head came up past my shoulders. As my heart was excavating caves through my chest cavity, I tried to listen to Samuel relaying the words of the Lord. I couldn't help but start to panic.

It was true that something inside of me had changed after Samuel had left me in Zuph. I had started to say things I had never thought of before come out of my mouth. People started to notice a change in me. But when I returned home to my father things seemed to be back to the way they were. I couldn't tell him one thing that had happened on my journey with Samuel - even after the Spirit of the Lord came upon me! If my mouth had been silenced then, how could I lead an entire people? This was just too much for me. I wasn't special, I was a Benjamite! My family was influential among our tribe, maybe, but we were a small clan! I was never supposed to get noticed like this!

Samuel was still addressing the Israelites, but I wasn't paying attention. That was when I turned around and began to push my way through the masses. I shoved through startled men and women, eyes gawking openly at my appearance. I had always been proud of the way I appealed to women, but at that moment I had grown hot in shame. I was not worthy of this task. God needed to choose someone else. 

Searching for a place to hide, I found the center of where traveling gear was being kept during the gathering. As I surveyed the mounds of equipment I decided to find a place to hide. So quickly I ran behind some of the baggage there, hidden from inquiring eyes, my heart still thudding.

I sucked in my breath as I listened to Samuel casting lots to show the king God had chosen - he went by tribe, then by clan, then by family....

"It is Saul, son of Kish, the Benjamite!"

Everyone went ecstatic. But after all the excitement died down, when they couldn't find me, they started asking the Lord questions, which was the last thing I wanted. After all, He was the only one here who knew where I was.

"Behold, he has hidden himself among the baggage."

I stood up, revealed, and was soon taken to stand up among the people.

I couldn't have begun to count the pairs of eyes that looked up at me. But I saw in every one of them the same thing: hope. Hope that I, their new king, would bring about a new nation. That I would lead them into victory over their enemies. That they would be prosperous under my rule.

"Do you see him whom the Lord has chosen? There is none like him among all the people," Samuel proclaimed. I couldn't help but wonder at the tinge of sarcasm in his voice.

My thoughts were soon overwhelmed as I heard the crowd roar. I straightened my back and tilted my head back. I decided I must give my people what they want.

"Long live the king! Long live the king!"

...

This story, from 1 Samuel 10, has obviously been put into my own words. I've been studying 1 Samuel for a couple of weeks now, and the story of Saul's anointing has been a chapter that has so far stuck out to me the most. Although there are so many things I would love to pound out in this blog, I'm sure all of you would get bored. So I'm going to land on this scene I have depicted.

Are you hiding in the baggage? Here, Saul was hiding from an earthly crown. It was a healthy spout of humility and embarrassment. Growing up in a wealthy family, both tall and the best looking, he was suddenly hit with that sense of "I'm not worthy."

But for us, it is a heavenly crown, a call from God, that we are hiding from. Maybe we know it's there and we are overtly avoiding it, or maybe we're just clueless that there is so much more to our lives.

I'm not sure why I chose this part to write about. It's just something that I never realized before. If you get a chance, please read chapters 9 and 10 of 1 Samuel. It is an incredible story of how God transforms a life. The story says outright that "God gave him another heart." Before this Saul was a regular guy. It describes him as outwardly handsome, but nothing of his spirituality. There probably wasn't anything to tell. One of the reasons God gave him a new heart was probably cause his old one was far from where it should be!

I love seeing more and more of God's glory being revealed in Scripture. Truly He is the only one who can redeem life.

One of my Favorite Places

After many deep-thinking posts, I thought it was time to do something a little fun. This past weekend some friends and I went to Monterey. I have to confess that I am in love with this town - Cannery Row, especially. I had gone previously with my family and was enchanted by the gentle sea breeze and beach houses. I couldn't wait to return.

Cannery Row is a waterfront street - unfortunately the last cannery closed in 1973, but they kept the name anyway :)

We ate at a small, cordial restaurant called McFly's. I must admit I was skeptical at first, but their fish and chips were incredible. Soaked in malt vinegar, lemon, and dipped in tartar sauce, there are few other things that will make your mouth sing so sweetly. Becca let me have some of her clam chowder too...wow.

After eating we skipped down to the end of the street, excited to buy our tickets for the Monterey Bay Aquarium, only to find that admission was thirty dollars, and no one was willing to pay that amount. It was a bummer.

As we meandered back up the street, we stopped at a few specialty stores and souvenir shops. Now, this picture has a pretty funny story to go with it. I took the picture silently and immediately continued walking down the street, leaving her there with her eyes still tightly shut. It wasn't for another good minute when I finally heard her realize what I'd done. "LAAAAAAUREN!!!" were her exact words, I believe.

After looking at a huge candy store, searching for vintage Star Wars posters, and buying specialty root beer (in a bottle), we decided it was time to go to the beach. It was a cool sixty-five degrees outside, and with the ocean wind blowing it was more than enough to keep our sweaters on.

Becca set off on a search to find treasure among the sand - and she did!

At first, it was a charming little rock. Nothing much, really - but soon a collection started to form.

The beach was (and still is!) beautiful.

And you can't go to the beach without someone getting buried. Obviously...

All in all, it was a day of refreshing. A chance to escape for a while on the cool sands of Monterey while enjoying the company of good friends. Life isn't always so serious, ya know. It's good to lighten things up every so often :)

The "HA!" Game.

Ever heard of it? :)

You have searched me and known me!

The syntax of my life had come into deep questioning these past two months of living in Fresno. I spent many nights staring up at the ceiling, wondering if splashing myself with icy water would startle me out of this surreal dream.

Every day had me in heaps, it seemed. I would write out a list of errands and things to get done for the day, and then plug in certain locations into my GPS so I could find my way around. It would then proceed to lead me on a wild goose chase through every nook and crevice of the Central Valley. Multiple times did I find myself bloodying my hands on the dashboard, upon the realization that I had been driving in circles.

(disclaimer: there was actually no blood involved.)

The point I'm trying to make is that even the simplest things in life left me in confusion.

I mentioned in a previous blog that I had been discouraged since coming here. For about a year the Lord has taken me through a series of odd, painful, sometimes heartbreaking, trials. I say trials, not tests, because I'm pretty sure given the opportunity I wouldn't have been able to pass any "test" - God had to pry certain things out of my hands. And it hurt.

Coming here seemed like it would be some sort of salve - a place to run off to so I could lick my wounds and start over. It turned out to be the exact opposite - God took me by the shoulders and turned me around to face deep, deep hurt. Things I thought I could escape by coming here. He reached down and started replacing lightbulbs in my spirit - ones I had let burn out so that parts of me could remain dim and untouched. I thought I could forget - but what I didn't consider is that God wouldn't forget. Even when I was least expecting it it was at the forefront of His mind. It was time for Him to deal with me.

After experiencing God's wrath in my life (wrath being defined as living without Him and His guidance), I have come to know and deeply revel in the weight of grace He has placed on my mantle. It brings tears to my eyes to think about it. Being able to see firsthand His marvelous work in your life through His divine intervention makes me feel ultimately privileged.

Two days ago I felt God bring me to the other side. He helped me finally close the door on one season of my life. For the first time I had no questions. I had no excuses or reasons why. It was just surrender. Complete surrender. That same day I received a call from Golden1 Credit Union, offering me a job starting on Monday. This interview process was one I had completely given up on (it started on June 11 - the last day of my job in Olympia), but now I see His timing. Wow....wow. I remember such laughter bubbling up from my insides. I cannot explain to you how grateful I am to Him. Grateful that He would choose to show His mercy on me. What have I done?

I hope when you read this you will rejoice with me, because we serve a good God. He is sovereign. His ways are not my ways! His thoughts are not my thoughts! Thank you Jesus :)

"O LORD, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them."

Psalm 139:1-16