endure

This seems to be an emerged theme in my life the past couple of weeks. I keep feeling this beating inside of me, "Endure, Lauren. Endure." It is something that God is continually placing on my heart, so much so I'm sitting here writing my first legitimate blog in who knows how long?

Romans 5 says that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame. I see this as some sort of a timeline, as moments pass, we go from suffering to endurance to character to hope.

As I was talking to a friend the other day, attempting to explain this, I got this vision in my head of me standing in the midst of my kingdom.

There are stories and stories of brick buildings, maybe even castles. I've built them all myself and they loom over me and my satisfaction. I am very proud, because look. I've done this all by myself. My dreams are coming true, all my plans are in place, and I am set for life - there is nothing left to worry about.

All at once I feel the ground moaning underneath my feet in resistance, and in panic I see my castles begin to break apart. Pieces of brick and mortar begin to crumble down on me, leaving bruises and blood and wounds behind. And for a while all I can do is stay on my hands and knees in sorrow and despair as I am perpetually bombarded.

This is suffering.

But the next step is endurance. So I lift my head up. Then I lift the rest of myself up.

I start running.

Now, while I'm running, I feel this pain. And it stems from the fact that I have not escaped the falling debris. I'm still being chipped away. But it's different this time. Because even though my world has been turned upside down, I'm moving forward. I'm going.

And I can see it. Far off into the distance I can see the end of it. In Psalm 40:1 David writes "I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry." I get the feeling that "I waited" did not mean staying in one spot feeling sorry for himself while he waited. I think that in his waiting he endured. This was not a passive patience.

I endure because it is demanded of me. Why? Because God is glorious. And He calls His children to glorify Him. In our celebration - yes. But especially in our suffering.

So how do I endure? How do I move forward? In other words, how is God glorified in my suffering?

I think I have found an answer in Isaiah 58:10-11, "If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail."

God is glorified when there is ultimately nothing inside of me but a desire for Him. And when I am poured out into others and my flesh has been cast away so that I can love abundantly, He will pour back into my soul, and use me. I have no right to my own life - when Jesus died He staked His claim on my soul. So it is with joy that I say, "Here am I! Send me!"

What else can I do?

I love verse 6 in 2 Corinthians, "If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer." Paul was the ultimate example of this - dedicating his life to the Gospel so that others would know Christ. Others.

So how can I be self absorbed? How can I be so concerned about how I feel and how I look and how others perceive me? When all of this clogs my joy - it reaps nothing but despair and insecurity. John Piper put it well, "Periodic self-examination is needed and wise and biblical. But for the most part, mental health is the use of the mind to focus on worthy reality outside ourselves." There is such a deep significance in this outward-oriented self-forgetfulness.

And so, we endure. Because by enduring we glorify God, and to glorify God means a healthy ignorance of "self". I will endure because my feelings don't matter. My opinion doesn't matter.

Others matter. What lies ahead matters. God's glory matters.