"Every morning
I lay out the pieces of my life
on your altar
and watch for fire to descend."
Psalm 5:3
(The Message)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
For This Reason
Since there had been a seven month gap between my last two posts, I thought, "HEY, why not post AGAIN?" Can you tell it's almost two in the morning and I can't sleep? Isn't it such an exasperating feeling when your physical body is so exhausted, but your mind won't shut down? Maybe it's a defense mechanism because my subconscious knows that someone is wanted to break into my dreams to steal my secrets....or maybe I've seen Inception one two many times.
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God," Ephesians 3:14-19.
Sometimes when I'm sitting in a service or gathering within the church body, I get frustrated. That may seem a bit vague, but it really is a pretty general statement. Every once in a while this urge flickers inside of me that wants to destroy everything - every tradition, every song, every building set up for a Sunday morning. Don't get freaked out, now...I only said once in a while :)
Most of this frustration comes from finding myself participating religiously in these "churchy" things, for the sake of being "churchy"...for lack of a better word. I want to function in the church body because I have a desire to have a real connection with the Holy Spirit, and for the passionate love of Jesus. I want to pray Paul's prayer to the Ephesians (and other churches, technically) for myself and for other Christians that sometimes get trapped in doing the right things, for the sake of doing the right things. When Paul writes "for this reason," he's referring back to what he talked about in chapter two, "But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ," (verse 13).
Lord forgive me if I have ever taken the blood of Christ with a light heart! How can that not affect me, deeply, so deeply that I work and struggle to drop everything hindering me from his sweet presence? Last night I was praying, asking God (for the umpteenth time) why I'm here. It would be so easy, so comfortable to be back in Washington. And then I started to read the beginning of chapter two, "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience - among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of our body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."
.....He rescued me from death. And here I am, looking back at what my life once was. Longing for it. How can I, when I have laid out before me a hope and a future? How can I when Christ, being rich in mercy, called me out from a place of temptation into a place where I can trust in him fully, not knowing what tomorrow holds?
This kind of went in a separate direction than I had planned, just in trying to examine my own heart soberly (while half asleep). I pray for my church body, that they would seek Christ earnestly and wholeheartedly, that they would want to know him, but I still see so many dead branches in me that I need to let God prune and throw into the fire. I guess I'm human just like everyone else. I would have liked to think more highly of myself....but I guess not :)
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, amen," (3:20-21).
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God," Ephesians 3:14-19.
Sometimes when I'm sitting in a service or gathering within the church body, I get frustrated. That may seem a bit vague, but it really is a pretty general statement. Every once in a while this urge flickers inside of me that wants to destroy everything - every tradition, every song, every building set up for a Sunday morning. Don't get freaked out, now...I only said once in a while :)
Most of this frustration comes from finding myself participating religiously in these "churchy" things, for the sake of being "churchy"...for lack of a better word. I want to function in the church body because I have a desire to have a real connection with the Holy Spirit, and for the passionate love of Jesus. I want to pray Paul's prayer to the Ephesians (and other churches, technically) for myself and for other Christians that sometimes get trapped in doing the right things, for the sake of doing the right things. When Paul writes "for this reason," he's referring back to what he talked about in chapter two, "But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ," (verse 13).
Lord forgive me if I have ever taken the blood of Christ with a light heart! How can that not affect me, deeply, so deeply that I work and struggle to drop everything hindering me from his sweet presence? Last night I was praying, asking God (for the umpteenth time) why I'm here. It would be so easy, so comfortable to be back in Washington. And then I started to read the beginning of chapter two, "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience - among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of our body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."
.....He rescued me from death. And here I am, looking back at what my life once was. Longing for it. How can I, when I have laid out before me a hope and a future? How can I when Christ, being rich in mercy, called me out from a place of temptation into a place where I can trust in him fully, not knowing what tomorrow holds?
This kind of went in a separate direction than I had planned, just in trying to examine my own heart soberly (while half asleep). I pray for my church body, that they would seek Christ earnestly and wholeheartedly, that they would want to know him, but I still see so many dead branches in me that I need to let God prune and throw into the fire. I guess I'm human just like everyone else. I would have liked to think more highly of myself....but I guess not :)
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, amen," (3:20-21).
Monday, August 16, 2010
God's Fields
Imagine with me, if you will, a very large town....
A city, to be specific, located in California, USA, founded in 1872. As of 2010, the population was estimated 505,479, making it the fifth largest city in California, the largest inland city in California, and the 35th largest in the nation. It is smack dab in the middle of the San Joaquin Valley, which is in the central part of the state. This is where we retrieve our beloved nickname "The Central Valley."
There are many places to eat in this city. Any place you could think of, really. And (GET THIS) there are Starbucks stores everywhere - and that is saying a lot coming from someone who has grown up an hour away from Seattle, Washington.
One of the more important things to remember is that when the month of June rolls around....it gets hot. And boy do I mean hot. You know you are starting to get used to inhumane conditions when a forecast of 95 degrees brings a sigh of relief! Literally, this thought went through my head, "Oh good, it's going to be cooler today."
This is the place I am tentatively calling "home." Although that hardly seems to be the correct term for it. Nothing here is familiar, and I am getting accustomed to a never ending state of being out of my comfort zone. Imagine going to a Sunday morning service and only knowing 5% of the people who go there.
Do you have some sort of vision stuck in your head of what this might look like? Well, now I will give you a name for it. They call it "Fresno"....in Spanish, "Ash Tree."
Since coming here I have been discouraged. And before I write anything else, I will preface it by saying that this is all part of my adjusting. So please don't think I'm throwing a little pity party here. But needless to say this move has been surreal. Leaving Olympia was a long and arduous process, something I wouldn't want to relive. Maybe it would be comparable to having bamboo chutes shoved up your fingernails (I am currently debating on whether or not to redact that last statement....but no one is probably going to read this anyway....). Anyway, after three long months of having to say goodbye I wouldn't say that moving here brought any sort of reprieve from that pain. Not that I have been depressed or melancholy, but if any of you have left behind relationships that had been a part of your core for so long you might understand.
The discouragement came from wondering if anything I did while I was in Olympia made any difference, especially since I was leaving it all behind. There were a lot of relationships I invested so much of myself into - so what was supposed to happen now that I had no way of maintaining that? How do I start all over again in a community that has essentially grown up together? How do I perpetually meet people and expect to form those deep bonds I had in Washington?
Goodness, I feel like I'm just rambling now. It's been so long since I've written anything of value. After having multiple conversations on this subject, I began to realize how arrogant it has been of me to think that all of my efforts and my accomplishments would be going to waste - since it was God who had been calling me to do all of it in the first place! Does that make sense? All along it was only an effort in trying to be obedient to the Lord, not to earn some sort of high standing in the church. I will admit that at times I did certain things for self-glorifying reasons (which is a whole other blog in itself) but overall, I was just trying to love other people. If God had been the one calling me to pour into these relationships then why would me moving away affect God's call in any way? Why would he let any of that go to waste? Okay, okay. Still rambling. Here's a verse that I have been encouraged by, "I (Paul) planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building." 1 Corinthians 3:6-9.
So in my mind I had my own field. I worked hard, and I produced my own fruit. And in my mind, God was rewarding my fruit. It didn't matter how hard or little I worked, as long as the fruit was there. Needless to say, I was wrong. God calls us to work hard, to labor for his kingdom. To break our backs for the Gospel. He rewards us for that labor, because we are laboring in obedience. If God rewarded us based on how many people got saved through our ministry, think of how miserable Jeremiah's existence would have been! No one listened to him! He became a laughingstock from declaring words that the Lord had given him.
If there is one thing I've learned over the past year, it's that God is in control, and there's not much I can do about it. For so long I was formless clay telling my potter how to form and mold me. Ridiculous. Though sometimes I get discouraged here, I get lonely, ultimately I have joy in my precious Savior. He rescued me. And I know that by being here I am being obedient to him. I may have this lofty idea in my head of the Woman of God I aspire to be one day - but I can't just get there. Every single day I have to give control to God. Every single morning I have to wipe my eyes and say, "Your will be done." And it will be - and if I continue to let God have a hold on my life day to day, then everything else falls into place. I don't have to worry about tomorrow!
Ah....I think I wrote this more for myself than anything else. God has been good to me.
A city, to be specific, located in California, USA, founded in 1872. As of 2010, the population was estimated 505,479, making it the fifth largest city in California, the largest inland city in California, and the 35th largest in the nation. It is smack dab in the middle of the San Joaquin Valley, which is in the central part of the state. This is where we retrieve our beloved nickname "The Central Valley."
There are many places to eat in this city. Any place you could think of, really. And (GET THIS) there are Starbucks stores everywhere - and that is saying a lot coming from someone who has grown up an hour away from Seattle, Washington.
One of the more important things to remember is that when the month of June rolls around....it gets hot. And boy do I mean hot. You know you are starting to get used to inhumane conditions when a forecast of 95 degrees brings a sigh of relief! Literally, this thought went through my head, "Oh good, it's going to be cooler today."
This is the place I am tentatively calling "home." Although that hardly seems to be the correct term for it. Nothing here is familiar, and I am getting accustomed to a never ending state of being out of my comfort zone. Imagine going to a Sunday morning service and only knowing 5% of the people who go there.
Do you have some sort of vision stuck in your head of what this might look like? Well, now I will give you a name for it. They call it "Fresno"....in Spanish, "Ash Tree."
Since coming here I have been discouraged. And before I write anything else, I will preface it by saying that this is all part of my adjusting. So please don't think I'm throwing a little pity party here. But needless to say this move has been surreal. Leaving Olympia was a long and arduous process, something I wouldn't want to relive. Maybe it would be comparable to having bamboo chutes shoved up your fingernails (I am currently debating on whether or not to redact that last statement....but no one is probably going to read this anyway....). Anyway, after three long months of having to say goodbye I wouldn't say that moving here brought any sort of reprieve from that pain. Not that I have been depressed or melancholy, but if any of you have left behind relationships that had been a part of your core for so long you might understand.
The discouragement came from wondering if anything I did while I was in Olympia made any difference, especially since I was leaving it all behind. There were a lot of relationships I invested so much of myself into - so what was supposed to happen now that I had no way of maintaining that? How do I start all over again in a community that has essentially grown up together? How do I perpetually meet people and expect to form those deep bonds I had in Washington?
Goodness, I feel like I'm just rambling now. It's been so long since I've written anything of value. After having multiple conversations on this subject, I began to realize how arrogant it has been of me to think that all of my efforts and my accomplishments would be going to waste - since it was God who had been calling me to do all of it in the first place! Does that make sense? All along it was only an effort in trying to be obedient to the Lord, not to earn some sort of high standing in the church. I will admit that at times I did certain things for self-glorifying reasons (which is a whole other blog in itself) but overall, I was just trying to love other people. If God had been the one calling me to pour into these relationships then why would me moving away affect God's call in any way? Why would he let any of that go to waste? Okay, okay. Still rambling. Here's a verse that I have been encouraged by, "I (Paul) planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building." 1 Corinthians 3:6-9.
So in my mind I had my own field. I worked hard, and I produced my own fruit. And in my mind, God was rewarding my fruit. It didn't matter how hard or little I worked, as long as the fruit was there. Needless to say, I was wrong. God calls us to work hard, to labor for his kingdom. To break our backs for the Gospel. He rewards us for that labor, because we are laboring in obedience. If God rewarded us based on how many people got saved through our ministry, think of how miserable Jeremiah's existence would have been! No one listened to him! He became a laughingstock from declaring words that the Lord had given him.
If there is one thing I've learned over the past year, it's that God is in control, and there's not much I can do about it. For so long I was formless clay telling my potter how to form and mold me. Ridiculous. Though sometimes I get discouraged here, I get lonely, ultimately I have joy in my precious Savior. He rescued me. And I know that by being here I am being obedient to him. I may have this lofty idea in my head of the Woman of God I aspire to be one day - but I can't just get there. Every single day I have to give control to God. Every single morning I have to wipe my eyes and say, "Your will be done." And it will be - and if I continue to let God have a hold on my life day to day, then everything else falls into place. I don't have to worry about tomorrow!
Ah....I think I wrote this more for myself than anything else. God has been good to me.
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