So I'm sitting here in a quiet office (with the exception of Packer growling for no apparent reason) after watching the 80th annual Academy Awards. Alone.
I'm in my sweatpants with a certain SMU baseball sweatshirt thrown on and I'm trying to think of a way to start unraveling the thoughts that have been going on in this head of mine for the past week. To try and start things off, I'll do my best to condense them into a nutshell.
Everything has changed.
My work schedule, my homework regimen, my texting bill, my social calendar.
My prayer life, my worship, the time I spend reading my Bible.
The time I go to sleep at night, the people I talk to, the things I think about, the amount of TV I watch, the time I spend on the computer, the effort I put into making myself look presentable in the morning.
My appetite, my relationships with my parents and my brothers, the clothes I wear when I go to bed, the frequency of my trips to the mailbox, where I spend my money, the number of times I call Dena in a day.
The way I connect with students on a Wednesday night. The people who are and who aren't on youth staff. Even though that doesn't have much to do with me.
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It's amazing the time and emotion you invest in something that may never have been your business to invest in. Or maybe it is for a season, and you're left to wonder if you ever had a right to place your thoughts and feelings there in the first place. I pray that God would have mercy on me if I have gone against His plan in any way, or if I screwed something up due to my devastating tendency to be human.
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Over the past couple days I have realized the reason I put off God's plans for my life so much is simply because I don't think I can have a part of them. I underestimate myself too often. Listening to someone preach or pray or prophesy or lead worship I think to myself, "I could never amount to that. I'm just not good enough." I wonder if those people up there, on the platforms or stages or pulpits, ever imagined themselves doing what they do.
Countless times I've asked myself if my dad ever pictured himself having the respect and influence and incredible wisdom that he has today. Does he understand that people listen to what he says? And what a huge deal that is? I'm being honest with you when I say he is one of the best preachers I've ever listened to.
There are few people in my life who I compare myself to. For the most part I don't size myself up next to someone who may appear to be "better" than I am. But there are those who just frustrate me because it seems that they can do no wrong. I envy them because they don't belittle themselves, whether out of naiveté or arrogance I'm not really sure. It's obvious they're confident in themselves and don't really care what other people think.
I ask myself why I feel so ill-equipped to do what I feel God has called me to do. Or why I'm so ill-equipped, period. I've always fancied the notion that I'm mature for my age. But in so many ways I feel younger than I already am (Like I NEED more reminders as to how NOT OLD I am! Ugh).
And now I feel God slowly taking away my safety nets. The new satellite campus will soon occupy my closest friend's time, making it harder for her to attend Olympia as often as she does now. And the other friend…well, that's a whole other entry in itself :/
I'm not sure where these recent occurrences are going to lead me, but I pray it will show me deeper levels of relationships with other people, but most of all with God. Maybe I need to learn some things on my own, without having friends to occupy my time constantly. This is difficult to say, but maybe the time has come for me to start paving my own way, instead of walking next to others on theirs.
This is truly one of the most significant transitional points in my life. I just hope I'm not lame enough to make a mess out of everything. More than anything I want a peek at God's blueprints. A co-worker and I were having a similar conversation, saying that if we just knew what was going to happen, it would be so much easier to go through the hard times. But then, what would faith be good for?
So…catch 22 J
