people

I think a lot about how there are millions of things happening all over the world at this very moment. And how just for once I would want to get a glimpse at all of them at once. Wow.

I think about people a lot, and how there are so many of them. A lot of names, faces, personalities, and stories. Stories about what have made them who they are.

In Iowa at a writer's workshop I went to a couple of summers ago, one of our assignments was to venture out into downtown Iowa City, where a ton people would be sitting or walking about, and ask them personal questions about moments in their life that defined who they are today.

The prospect of this assignment made me nervous, because a lot of times you think of people as being very private, not wanting to stay and talk much so they can continue about their business. I thought we would be just another obstacle in their day.

But it turned out not as I expected - my partner and I interviewed an older woman - probably in her late forties or fifties - who had just recently met her father for the first time. And the woman beside her, from the time she was a little girl, had these "psychic visions" and supernatural occurrences happen to her. I was astounded that these ladies were actually opening up to us - complete strangers!

It just goes to show that people are looking for someone to reach out to them. They want to tell you their story...they want to be loved. I think about this as I think about the students at FOS that I am trying to minister to. And for me it's a challenge because a lot of the time you have to be real with them before they will be real with you.

People want to be known. Even though often times we get afraid to let someone come to close. I think that the human condition, overall, longs for intimacy. And we as Christians know that true intimacy comes from a relationship with Christ. But for now we must show the people around us our own feeble version of it so that, perhaps, they will search for something more and find Jesus.

red eyes

Monday Night Football is of the devil. Especially when it is preventing you from watching Chuck. A VERY crucial episode, I might add. Turns out Jill is a rogue CIA agent. Last we heard her and Chuck had run off somewhere together. If she does anything to hurt Chuck I'll kill her. No, seriously.

Bloggish might as well be a mood, because lately I have not been in it...if that makes any sense. In other words, I have not been feeling "bloggish". One of the tendencies I see in myself is shying away from whatever people start picking up on. After everyone got a blog - I got sick of mine. Also, I'm not a huge Mac fan, and I think that Twilight (the book, and probably the movie) is ridiculous. I'm taking one of my students to see it this weekend JUST so we can make fun of it. I don't HATE Mac's, and I don't HATE Twilight, and obviously I don't HATE blogging...it's just this thing that I do. I'm not a very opinionated person, really. You might even call me uncaring at times.

I'm also not really in to finishing this blog properly. Probably because I have an episode of Chuck waiting for me. And my eyes hurt.

the office.

It's amazing what a new Office episode will do to your life. Or, my life, to be more specific.

For one - it brought me and some of my favorite friends together for a good time and some hard laughs. Not to mention the amazing food, courtesy of my mother (whoot whoot), and Costco. 

I could go over every detail and say what was good and what was bad (ahem...cough) but to be honest with you I have a deep, unconditional love for this show...so the minor flaws do not sway me, nor do I consider them too significant to pay much attention to.

Having said that, I do disapprove of Angela and her ridiculous-ness...and even though Andy is, for the most part, intolerable to any human with good taste, you gotta hand it to him for being a sucker. Pure and simple. Observe:

Andy: I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.
Angela: It's not my problem. 
Andy: Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.

Angela: That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it. 
Andy: Sweetheart....just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

And for heaven's sake, Michael. Ask Holly out already. She's amazing. 

As far as Jim and Pam goes...I got a little scared for a second. I mean...she's away for three months at school, cute, funny guys lurking behind every corner...and look! A scandalous scene where she is flirting with one of her classmates. Luckily my fears were suppressed when Jim Halpert invites her to lunch at a gas station "half way" between the two of them. And then in the midst of her standing in the rain complaining about how she had to drive farther than he did she is shut up by his sudden proposal! Ask anybody who was there, I screamed, I laughed, I cried. Well, for the most part that's true. 

And yes, I do agree that the engagement seemed to happen quick. But I will predict for you that the writers were intentional in doing this. Something is going to happen in the midst of her being away....duh duh dum.....

For a random side note, some of my favorite Dwight moments:

Dwight: Fax this for me.
Jim: Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.
Dwight: It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. (to Pam) If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.

Holly: Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight.
Michael: Uh...
Holly: It'll probably be a total disaster, but...
Michael: Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
Dwight: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.

Dwight: Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. (looking at Phyllis) And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
Jim: How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Dwight: I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Jim: No, you're definitely the problem.
Dwight: This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.

Phyllis: There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone.
Dwight: And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! (claps)
Phyllis: You left me in a bad part of town!
Dwight: Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? You look great. I can definitely see the difference. 

Haha...oh man. I love this show. And I think for the most part we don't give it enough credit. Because of that fact that there is no way of knowing what is planned for season five, we don't see the whole picture, and therefore may be frustrated with the small pieces that are being handed to us.

Be patient, friends. Something amazing is going to happen.

i was shocked

I mean, seriously? Who can't drive? People with ridiculous amounts of money, obviously.

Now I know why things never worked out for us. God was looking out for me...He knows I'm high maintenance. Also that I would suffer low self esteem by being with a guy who dresses better than I do.

Although check out Nick's top hat. That's pretty gay.

the day has come.

http://liveiteverywhere.blogspot.com

one missed flight.

I've never felt so helpless in my life.

I can't explain it - I mean, it's not a big deal. The guy got me on the same flight tomorrow morning, and waived the $75 fee. Most likely because my hysteria brought him to tears - thank you Jesus for female hormones.

But after being here for three weeks it just feels like it's time for home. Don't get me wrong - I've had a great time here. There's just something about home. And the built up anticipation of this day. Right now I am supposed to be on a direct flight from Miami to SeaTac...and I'm not.

Getting to the checkout line and hearing that it's too late was so devastating. And that seems kind of extreme, but it all seemed like a bad dream. I am sincerely hoping to wake up to the sound of my 5:30am alarm telling me it's time to get up - I've got a flight to catch.

I'll see most of you tomorrow night.

I miss you all very much.

by faith

What am I learning? How can I take this and become better with it? I am always praying that God would give me the strength I need to step out in faith, because as Christians obedience is the only way to get to the next level. In my obedience I draw near to the Lord... because when I think about it, putting my complete trust in Him is my demise. It is my surrender to His will and His purposes.

I'm not sure why I'm here. Well...I know why I wanted to come here - to get away, to learn new things, to discovery the acts of God on my own and to grab a hold of them. But what does God want for me here? How is He going to use this time? I am in a place in my life where I feel like I'm not going anywhere... and I thought being here would send me somewhere. What I'm finding is a church with a mild prosperity foundation, very driven towards becoming more edgy and up-and-coming. The people here are wonderful... the ministry here is flourishing. Yet I worry the gospel is being lost in it all.

One of my favorite chapters in the Bible is Hebrews 11... it's about faith. About people who did not necessarily see the promises of God fulfilled in their own lives, but obeyed the Lord in His calling anyway. What amazes me is the first part of Hebrews 11:13 - "All these people were still living by faith when they died".

Seriously? It's not fair! God has us do all the hard work, and we don't even get to enjoy the fruits of our labor? What is THIS about??

See... the thing is that God didn't need them; He could have used someone else. Some of these people knew this and therefore jumped at the chance to be used by God. They were humbled in their weakness - and because of that God was glorified. And isn't what that's all about? When we get down to the core of things... having a relationship with Christ and showing other people Jesus' love is not about playing flashy videos and preaching happy-sappy sermons about how all we need to do is this, this, and this, and our lives will be great... it's not about socializing with our friends and drinking free coffee and having a great worship band... it's the GOSPEL! It's the glory of God!

So why do I get caught up in me, me me? Why am I so absorbed in what I'm missing out on or impressing other people or complaining about how bored I am? I shouldn't even be here. I don't DESERVE to be here. I don't deserve anything. It all belongs to God. It's all because of Him. Who cares about me, seriously? I am nothing. Christ is all, and is in all.

"They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.

"These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

full flights, cherry chapstick, and psalm 51:10-11

I left Washington upset. Weeks prior to my flight I was excited to go...but upon leaving this burden on my heart dug deeper into my spirit. I've always cherished the people around me, but I realized going onto a six hour flight that I took that feeling of security for granted. In the entire flight I only spoke once, and that was to ask the stewardess for a tissue. When you are thrown out of your comfort zone it's a great opportunity and a challenge...and one of the reasons I wanted to go to Miami for three weeks was to experience that. But there comes a time when you realize if your voice even works anymore.

Shuffling into the baggage claim I found my suitcase almost immediately, and went outside to be greeted by the humidity...at 6:30 in the morning. My grandmother and an awkward yet loveable intern named Michael met me at Terminal F and whisked me away. I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

We entered my grandparents' simple apartment, up on the fifteenth floor. She offered me a bowl of cereal so I ate some quietly, checked my e-mail, and politely shut myself in my room to experience the unfamiliar feeling of rest. My body is really picky when it comes to falling asleep. Luckily it had given up the fight.

I groggily woke up at 1:30, six hours later, and my grandma announced that we would be headed into the church soon. So we ate dinner and drove to Trinity Church where my uncle Rich pastors. That's when I got the tour. She showed me into the sanctuary where everything smelled like cherry chapstick.

What we call small groups they call G.A.P. groups (God Answers Prayer). I had the privilege of participating in one with my grandma and a few nice ladies from church. My uncle has been preaching on heroes from the Bible, and this week had been on courage...focusing on the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. A lady in the group had just been given news that her cancer was much worse than the doctors had thought, so her scheduled surgery for Friday had been cancelled in order to figure out a better solution. Needless to say the discussion was very applicable to the current predicament. Afterwards there was a powerful prayer over her...my grandma is amazing. That's all I have to say.

I've already heard stories of murders and foster care and dead parents and drug-related deaths...I've barely been here a day. I just walked past the sanctuary where the worship team is practicing, and they were singing one of my favorite Jonathan Stockstill songs, based on the scripture Psalm 51:10-11 -

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me."

And with our hands lifted high, we proclaim you as King! What have we done, to deserve a love like yours?

Keep me in your prayers...I miss all of you. Much more to come.

i had a dream

If you thought I had given up on this blog….you were wrong.

But at the same time, let me apologize for my lack of posts in the past couple of months. In my professional opinion it takes time, effort, and inspiration to write an effective blog…and I have not had all three of those things at the same time in a long, long while. I may not even have them now, just to warn you.

I had a really, really messed up dream last night. Not scary or anything, it was just deeply troubling. And you know how dreams seem so real at the time…I woke up and for the first seven seconds or so I was truly upset. And I'm going to try and explain it to you, although it may seem kind of cryptic…

You know, this kind of thing has happened to me before, but in reality. It's like you think you know someone really really well…you're really close, you share secrets, they're on YOUR side. And then something happens and it blows you out of the water. You never would have expected it. It's like after all of these conversations telling you otherwise you've realized that you can put absolutely no weight into their words, because almost always their actions prove otherwise. It sucks, cause after that you realize that you can never trust that person again, at least for a very long time.

In my dream, I had a boyfriend. And we were very close, as you would imagine a boyfriend and girlfriend to be. There was some random girl, I guess, who was in love with him. And she was evil…or something like that. Nevertheless, something was wrong with her. And he told me how insane she was, and all of that. Then it seemed there was some sort of time lapse in the dream…and somehow I found out that they were actually close friends. They hung out all the time and were always flirting with each other. He wondered why I would ever have a problem with it, and I was so stunned I didn't even have a response.

So I'm sitting here with my hair wrapped up like a turban, realizing that more than likely no one cares about any of this. But hey….it's my blog J

when you have nothing left in your fridge

Most of the time I can't seem to ever eat what I'm craving.

Like today...I really wanted a hamburger but all I got was a bowl of clam chowder. And it wasn't even that good.

Then there are those other days when NOTHING looks good...but you're just hungry. And you want something to eat. So you go into your pantry and look and look and there's nothing and you want to punch it in the face. Often I've had the impulse to throw all the food in my house away. But I never do.

I have no idea what that was for...but I'm thinking that maybe it just goes to show that I am at a loss.

i blog when i can't blog no more.

does that make me shallow?

....dangit.

we got the right stuff, baby

Coming back from L.A. was literally transitioning back into an entire different world. I came from a place of poverty, abandonment, depravity.....back to my hometown, buzzing with a middle class demographic of mostly white people. They drive nice enough cars, they shop at nice places, they eat at restaurants....

Los Angeles is a place of blatant starvation - a place hungrily reaching for a savior. Someone to hand them a bag of groceries.

Olympia is crying out as well...but I have to lean in closer to hear. I'm anxious to see the difference our church community will have on this city, if we're hoping to spare some time. My prayer is that the tears that were shed on the missions trip, watching men, women, and children being impacted by Christ's love through us, will not be in vain. If we continue to ignore the hopelessness surrounding us we have accomplished nothing.

Compassion leads to action.

So lets go people.

then i tried to write a song about it, but i couldn't think of anything that rhymed with "uuuuuuuuhhhhhhaaaaaahhhGGGAAAAHH"

So I'm sitting here in a quiet office (with the exception of Packer growling for no apparent reason) after watching the 80^th annual Academy Awards. Alone.

I'm in my sweatpants with a certain SMU baseball sweatshirt thrown on and I'm trying to think of a way to start unraveling the thoughts that have been going on in this head of mine for the past week. To try and start things off, I'll do my best to condense them into a nutshell.

Everything has changed.

My work schedule, my homework regimen, my texting bill, my social calendar.

My prayer life, my worship, the time I spend reading my Bible.

The time I go to sleep at night, the people I talk to, the things I think about, the amount of TV I watch, the time I spend on the computer, the effort I put into making myself look presentable in the morning.

My appetite, my relationships with my parents and my brothers, the clothes I wear when I go to bed, the frequency of my trips to the mailbox, where I spend my money, the number of times I call Dena in a day.

The way I connect with students on a Wednesday night. The people who are and who aren't on youth staff. Even though that doesn't have much to do with me.

-----

It's amazing the time and emotion you invest in something that may never have been your business to invest in. Or maybe it is for a season, and you're left to wonder if you ever had a right to place your thoughts and feelings there in the first place. I pray that God would have mercy on me if I have gone against His plan in any way, or if I screwed something up due to my devastating tendency to be human.

-----

Over the past couple days I have realized the reason I put off God's plans for my life so much is simply because I don't think I can have a part of them. I underestimate myself too often. Listening to someone preach or pray or prophesy or lead worship I think to myself, "I could never amount to that. I'm just not good enough." I wonder if those people up there, on the platforms or stages or pulpits, ever imagined themselves doing what they do.

Countless times I've asked myself if my dad ever pictured himself having the respect and influence and incredible wisdom that he has today. Does he understand that people listen to what he says? And what a huge deal that is? I'm being honest with you when I say he is one of the best preachers I've ever listened to.

There are few people in my life who I compare myself to. For the most part I don't size myself up next to someone who may appear to be "better" than I am. But there are those who just frustrate me because it seems that they can do no wrong. I envy them because they don't belittle themselves, whether out of naiveté or arrogance I'm not really sure. It's obvious they're confident in themselves and don't really care what other people think.

I ask myself why I feel so ill-equipped to do what I feel God has called me to do. Or why I'm so ill-equipped, period. I've always fancied the notion that I'm mature for my age. But in so many ways I feel younger than I already am (Like I NEED more reminders as to how NOT OLD I am! Ugh).

And now I feel God slowly taking away my safety nets. The new satellite campus will soon occupy my closest friend's time, making it harder for her to attend Olympia as often as she does now. And the other friend…well, that's a whole other entry in itself :/

I'm not sure where these recent occurrences are going to lead me, but I pray it will show me deeper levels of relationships with other people, but most of all with God. Maybe I need to learn some things on my own, without having friends to occupy my time constantly. This is difficult to say, but maybe the time has come for me to start paving my own way, instead of walking next to others on theirs.

This is truly one of the most significant transitional points in my life. I just hope I'm not lame enough to make a mess out of everything. More than anything I want a peek at God's blueprints. A co-worker and I were having a similar conversation, saying that if we just knew what was going to happen, it would be so much easier to go through the hard times. But then, what would faith be good for?

So…catch 22 J

dentist.

The time lolled by and I sat still, very still where I was sitting in the musty upholstered chair. You would have thought time was turning into this muckity muck, gingerly gushing out the end of a long PVC pipe down a drain of nonsense. I swallowed once. Twice. And then turned my head towards the clock. It was five minutes past my appointment, and no one had called my name yet.

My knee bobbed up and down as it tried to control the excited reverberations of my heart. Who gets a tooth pulled on a Saturday? Idiots.

Laying in the chair turned out to be worse. The sharp lights squinted at me in mocking fashion, and I had no choice but to squint back through the glassy shades I was given. They were no help. But I wore them anyway. Doctors in general are notorious for taking more than a “few minutes” to come in and examine you. Dentists especially, in my personal opinion.

Back and forth, back and forth. My gums are jolly with Novocain but the pressure is a beast. Somehow through my emotionless jaw the tooth screamed at me, raking its roots along the insides, fighting to stay put. My eyelids closed shut and I tried to think of other things. Sunsets. Cute Shoes. Food. Matthew McConaughey Jake Gamble. Anything other than toothpaste, really.

Holes are no fun. Holes in your mouth can make you suicidal. The way I see it, holes must be better than giant molars taking over your mouth, scribbling their names on the insides of your cheeks, making it impossible to bite down without eating your own face. That’s the way I see it, anyway.