rebirth

For a good nineteen years of my life I have perpetually heard the phrase, "God grabbed hold of my life"…in some form or another. I guess time and time again those words began to chip away at me, to a point where I would hear it and immediately brush it off. In all honestly I had no idea what it meant. I've grown up in the ministry and am very familiar with the things you say in order to make people believe you are super spiritual, and in turn became immune to those lines that were actually sincere, and meant something.

I had no idea what God grabbing hold of my life would look like. It was just a weird visual for me. I see everything in my mind and for God to be reaching down to me and taking my life and doing something with it on his OWN terms just did not calculate. I suppose I always figured that it was a wonderful thing. Something wonderful that seemed, to me, unattainable.

But I was wrong. I had no idea or could ever define what it's like. Not in exact terms, anyway.

See…God grabbing hold of my life had been pretty bloody. A messy, ugly thing. If you are a visual person, let me offer you this – My chest had been torn open, and everything has been exposed. This huge interrogation light is now shining into my core. And everyone can see why I suck at life….how sinful I am. Especially – especially
me! I have no place to hide.

Looking back (not very far back, but in retrospect nonetheless), I don't see how I thought I could get away with doing things my own way. However, this all stems from the fact that I never really got God "grabbing hold" of something – much less, me. I underestimated his ability to pull the carpet from underneath my feet. Once that happened, I began to grieve. I grieved for my life, for my desires, for all of the things I had wanted and planned for my life. But as days went by, I began to grieve in a different way. I grieved for time wasted, relationships withering away, for my purity.

Paul writes in Romans 7:13, "Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful."

The good that I should have been doing isn't what hurts, it's sin exposed by the good…that's what kills me. As the Holy Spirit draws nearer, it reveals more and more how dirty I am.

I don't know what happens next. I don't know what God has for me. As of now my plans and ideas for my life are slowing being thrown into the fire, and it feels like the worst thing ever. I feel like I'm starting over. All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning how to do them again. But it's all part of this thing called God grabbing a hold on my life, I guess.

pocket dictionary

I randomly found this poem I wrote a long time ago...and I was surprised that I still think it's funny. Maybe it's just me and I have a terrible sense of humor. Haha.

I need a dictionary,
One that's small.
It needs to fit in my purse, I mean.
So when I want to impress someone,
The wit is convenient.

He was tall and dark-haired
At the party
With his cocktail (I hate alcohol)
But his curls made me tipsy
And the word kitsch left me.

Usually I know my words.
You know, and how to use them.
I'm smart, I mean.
But I often see attractive people,
So I must take precautions.

it was for this

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth

Will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

These words have not spoken so strongly to me until this night.

people

I think a lot about how there are millions of things happening all over the world at this very moment. And how just for once I would want to get a glimpse at all of them at once. Wow.

I think about people a lot, and how there are so many of them. A lot of names, faces, personalities, and stories. Stories about what have made them who they are.

In Iowa at a writer's workshop I went to a couple of summers ago, one of our assignments was to venture out into downtown Iowa City, where a ton people would be sitting or walking about, and ask them personal questions about moments in their life that defined who they are today.

The prospect of this assignment made me nervous, because a lot of times you think of people as being very private, not wanting to stay and talk much so they can continue about their business. I thought we would be just another obstacle in their day.

But it turned out not as I expected - my partner and I interviewed an older woman - probably in her late forties or fifties - who had just recently met her father for the first time. And the woman beside her, from the time she was a little girl, had these "psychic visions" and supernatural occurrences happen to her. I was astounded that these ladies were actually opening up to us - complete strangers!

It just goes to show that people are looking for someone to reach out to them. They want to tell you their story...they want to be loved. I think about this as I think about the students at FOS that I am trying to minister to. And for me it's a challenge because a lot of the time you have to be real with them before they will be real with you.

People want to be known. Even though often times we get afraid to let someone come to close. I think that the human condition, overall, longs for intimacy. And we as Christians know that true intimacy comes from a relationship with Christ. But for now we must show the people around us our own feeble version of it so that, perhaps, they will search for something more and find Jesus.

red eyes

Monday Night Football is of the devil. Especially when it is preventing you from watching Chuck. A VERY crucial episode, I might add. Turns out Jill is a rogue CIA agent. Last we heard her and Chuck had run off somewhere together. If she does anything to hurt Chuck I'll kill her. No, seriously.

Bloggish might as well be a mood, because lately I have not been in it...if that makes any sense. In other words, I have not been feeling "bloggish". One of the tendencies I see in myself is shying away from whatever people start picking up on. After everyone got a blog - I got sick of mine. Also, I'm not a huge Mac fan, and I think that Twilight (the book, and probably the movie) is ridiculous. I'm taking one of my students to see it this weekend JUST so we can make fun of it. I don't HATE Mac's, and I don't HATE Twilight, and obviously I don't HATE blogging...it's just this thing that I do. I'm not a very opinionated person, really. You might even call me uncaring at times.

I'm also not really in to finishing this blog properly. Probably because I have an episode of Chuck waiting for me. And my eyes hurt.

the office.

It's amazing what a new Office episode will do to your life. Or, my life, to be more specific.

For one - it brought me and some of my favorite friends together for a good time and some hard laughs. Not to mention the amazing food, courtesy of my mother (whoot whoot), and Costco. 

I could go over every detail and say what was good and what was bad (ahem...cough) but to be honest with you I have a deep, unconditional love for this show...so the minor flaws do not sway me, nor do I consider them too significant to pay much attention to.

Having said that, I do disapprove of Angela and her ridiculous-ness...and even though Andy is, for the most part, intolerable to any human with good taste, you gotta hand it to him for being a sucker. Pure and simple. Observe:

Andy: I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things.
Angela: It's not my problem. 
Andy: Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.

Angela: That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it. 
Andy: Sweetheart....just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

And for heaven's sake, Michael. Ask Holly out already. She's amazing. 

As far as Jim and Pam goes...I got a little scared for a second. I mean...she's away for three months at school, cute, funny guys lurking behind every corner...and look! A scandalous scene where she is flirting with one of her classmates. Luckily my fears were suppressed when Jim Halpert invites her to lunch at a gas station "half way" between the two of them. And then in the midst of her standing in the rain complaining about how she had to drive farther than he did she is shut up by his sudden proposal! Ask anybody who was there, I screamed, I laughed, I cried. Well, for the most part that's true. 

And yes, I do agree that the engagement seemed to happen quick. But I will predict for you that the writers were intentional in doing this. Something is going to happen in the midst of her being away....duh duh dum.....

For a random side note, some of my favorite Dwight moments:

Dwight: Fax this for me.
Jim: Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes.
Dwight: It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. (to Pam) If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind.

Holly: Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight.
Michael: Uh...
Holly: It'll probably be a total disaster, but...
Michael: Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
Dwight: Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.

Dwight: Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. (looking at Phyllis) And most of you are just as fat as the day we began.
Jim: How much weight have you lost, Dwight?
Dwight: I am hardly the problem, Jim.
Jim: No, you're definitely the problem.
Dwight: This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.

Phyllis: There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone.
Dwight: And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! (claps)
Phyllis: You left me in a bad part of town!
Dwight: Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? You look great. I can definitely see the difference. 

Haha...oh man. I love this show. And I think for the most part we don't give it enough credit. Because of that fact that there is no way of knowing what is planned for season five, we don't see the whole picture, and therefore may be frustrated with the small pieces that are being handed to us.

Be patient, friends. Something amazing is going to happen.

i was shocked

I mean, seriously? Who can't drive? People with ridiculous amounts of money, obviously.

Now I know why things never worked out for us. God was looking out for me...He knows I'm high maintenance. Also that I would suffer low self esteem by being with a guy who dresses better than I do.

Although check out Nick's top hat. That's pretty gay.