the day has come.

http://liveiteverywhere.blogspot.com

one missed flight.

I've never felt so helpless in my life.

I can't explain it - I mean, it's not a big deal. The guy got me on the same flight tomorrow morning, and waived the $75 fee. Most likely because my hysteria brought him to tears - thank you Jesus for female hormones.

But after being here for three weeks it just feels like it's time for home. Don't get me wrong - I've had a great time here. There's just something about home. And the built up anticipation of this day. Right now I am supposed to be on a direct flight from Miami to SeaTac...and I'm not.

Getting to the checkout line and hearing that it's too late was so devastating. And that seems kind of extreme, but it all seemed like a bad dream. I am sincerely hoping to wake up to the sound of my 5:30am alarm telling me it's time to get up - I've got a flight to catch.

I'll see most of you tomorrow night.

I miss you all very much.

by faith

What am I learning? How can I take this and become better with it? I am always praying that God would give me the strength I need to step out in faith, because as Christians obedience is the only way to get to the next level. In my obedience I draw near to the Lord... because when I think about it, putting my complete trust in Him is my demise. It is my surrender to His will and His purposes.

I'm not sure why I'm here. Well...I know why I wanted to come here - to get away, to learn new things, to discovery the acts of God on my own and to grab a hold of them. But what does God want for me here? How is He going to use this time? I am in a place in my life where I feel like I'm not going anywhere... and I thought being here would send me somewhere. What I'm finding is a church with a mild prosperity foundation, very driven towards becoming more edgy and up-and-coming. The people here are wonderful... the ministry here is flourishing. Yet I worry the gospel is being lost in it all.

One of my favorite chapters in the Bible is Hebrews 11... it's about faith. About people who did not necessarily see the promises of God fulfilled in their own lives, but obeyed the Lord in His calling anyway. What amazes me is the first part of Hebrews 11:13 - "All these people were still living by faith when they died".

Seriously? It's not fair! God has us do all the hard work, and we don't even get to enjoy the fruits of our labor? What is THIS about??

See... the thing is that God didn't need them; He could have used someone else. Some of these people knew this and therefore jumped at the chance to be used by God. They were humbled in their weakness - and because of that God was glorified. And isn't what that's all about? When we get down to the core of things... having a relationship with Christ and showing other people Jesus' love is not about playing flashy videos and preaching happy-sappy sermons about how all we need to do is this, this, and this, and our lives will be great... it's not about socializing with our friends and drinking free coffee and having a great worship band... it's the GOSPEL! It's the glory of God!

So why do I get caught up in me, me me? Why am I so absorbed in what I'm missing out on or impressing other people or complaining about how bored I am? I shouldn't even be here. I don't DESERVE to be here. I don't deserve anything. It all belongs to God. It's all because of Him. Who cares about me, seriously? I am nothing. Christ is all, and is in all.

"They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.

"These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

full flights, cherry chapstick, and psalm 51:10-11

I left Washington upset. Weeks prior to my flight I was excited to go...but upon leaving this burden on my heart dug deeper into my spirit. I've always cherished the people around me, but I realized going onto a six hour flight that I took that feeling of security for granted. In the entire flight I only spoke once, and that was to ask the stewardess for a tissue. When you are thrown out of your comfort zone it's a great opportunity and a challenge...and one of the reasons I wanted to go to Miami for three weeks was to experience that. But there comes a time when you realize if your voice even works anymore.

Shuffling into the baggage claim I found my suitcase almost immediately, and went outside to be greeted by the humidity...at 6:30 in the morning. My grandmother and an awkward yet loveable intern named Michael met me at Terminal F and whisked me away. I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

We entered my grandparents' simple apartment, up on the fifteenth floor. She offered me a bowl of cereal so I ate some quietly, checked my e-mail, and politely shut myself in my room to experience the unfamiliar feeling of rest. My body is really picky when it comes to falling asleep. Luckily it had given up the fight.

I groggily woke up at 1:30, six hours later, and my grandma announced that we would be headed into the church soon. So we ate dinner and drove to Trinity Church where my uncle Rich pastors. That's when I got the tour. She showed me into the sanctuary where everything smelled like cherry chapstick.

What we call small groups they call G.A.P. groups (God Answers Prayer). I had the privilege of participating in one with my grandma and a few nice ladies from church. My uncle has been preaching on heroes from the Bible, and this week had been on courage...focusing on the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. A lady in the group had just been given news that her cancer was much worse than the doctors had thought, so her scheduled surgery for Friday had been cancelled in order to figure out a better solution. Needless to say the discussion was very applicable to the current predicament. Afterwards there was a powerful prayer over her...my grandma is amazing. That's all I have to say.

I've already heard stories of murders and foster care and dead parents and drug-related deaths...I've barely been here a day. I just walked past the sanctuary where the worship team is practicing, and they were singing one of my favorite Jonathan Stockstill songs, based on the scripture Psalm 51:10-11 -

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me."

And with our hands lifted high, we proclaim you as King! What have we done, to deserve a love like yours?

Keep me in your prayers...I miss all of you. Much more to come.

i had a dream

If you thought I had given up on this blog….you were wrong.

But at the same time, let me apologize for my lack of posts in the past couple of months. In my professional opinion it takes time, effort, and inspiration to write an effective blog…and I have not had all three of those things at the same time in a long, long while. I may not even have them now, just to warn you.

I had a really, really messed up dream last night. Not scary or anything, it was just deeply troubling. And you know how dreams seem so real at the time…I woke up and for the first seven seconds or so I was truly upset. And I'm going to try and explain it to you, although it may seem kind of cryptic…

You know, this kind of thing has happened to me before, but in reality. It's like you think you know someone really really well…you're really close, you share secrets, they're on YOUR side. And then something happens and it blows you out of the water. You never would have expected it. It's like after all of these conversations telling you otherwise you've realized that you can put absolutely no weight into their words, because almost always their actions prove otherwise. It sucks, cause after that you realize that you can never trust that person again, at least for a very long time.

In my dream, I had a boyfriend. And we were very close, as you would imagine a boyfriend and girlfriend to be. There was some random girl, I guess, who was in love with him. And she was evil…or something like that. Nevertheless, something was wrong with her. And he told me how insane she was, and all of that. Then it seemed there was some sort of time lapse in the dream…and somehow I found out that they were actually close friends. They hung out all the time and were always flirting with each other. He wondered why I would ever have a problem with it, and I was so stunned I didn't even have a response.

So I'm sitting here with my hair wrapped up like a turban, realizing that more than likely no one cares about any of this. But hey….it's my blog J

when you have nothing left in your fridge

Most of the time I can't seem to ever eat what I'm craving.

Like today...I really wanted a hamburger but all I got was a bowl of clam chowder. And it wasn't even that good.

Then there are those other days when NOTHING looks good...but you're just hungry. And you want something to eat. So you go into your pantry and look and look and there's nothing and you want to punch it in the face. Often I've had the impulse to throw all the food in my house away. But I never do.

I have no idea what that was for...but I'm thinking that maybe it just goes to show that I am at a loss.

i blog when i can't blog no more.

does that make me shallow?

....dangit.